Saturday, 25 July 2015

Too brilliant to lose

Found trawling the internet, looking at IT guys remembering horror stories from various jobs.


Today's reading is from the Technobiblica; Aristophanes, Chapter IV:

And 'lo, The Lord came amongst us unannounced. A large crowd had assembled at the meeting place, and they rained angry words upon us, and upon Our Lord. But even then, He was unafraid.
He bade us, the Technicians, to gather near to Him; and in that place, amid the shouting, He spake thusly unto us:
Let not these angry words bother you, my Brothers! They are but Users; they know not of what they speak.
'Tis true, thine Users shalt utter many untruths unto thee: some shall be borne of fear; some, of ignorance; some others even from malevolent intent.
Be not fooled by their words! My Friends, always must you hold these words unto thy heart: Trust thine users, but verify!
And so was the First Commandment written: "Trust, but verify".
But My Lord! cried one of the gathered Technicians. My user claims to have backed up their data!
The Lord smiled.
How many times hast the User backed up their data? Thy backups must be in triplicate, for three is the Favored number of Thy Lord. But Thy Lord favors diversity, so thou must store thine backups on different media, and in different locations.
And thus was the Second Commandment written: "Backup thrice - diversely!"
The Lord continued: Remember ye, thine First Commandment of which we just spake?
Trust, but verify, M'Lord? answered the Disciple.
Indeed! Verify thine backups! For a backup that cannot be restored from is no backup at all in the eyes of Thy Lord.
And so the Third Commandment was writ: "Verify your backups".
Lastly, spake The Lord, When didst thy User last backup their data?
I... I do not know, spake the Technician, honestly. They will not tell me. They only repeat that they know that they backed it up.
My Child, spake The Lord, My dear, sweet, Child...
The Lord's eyes filled with tears, as He looked upon the Technician that He so loved, and for a time, He could not speak. Eventually, He composed Himself, and made to speak once more.
And a great hush fell across the crowd. He drew the Technician unto His breast, and spake softly unto him: You're fucked, My Son.
He turned to address the assembled technicians once more: A User that is relied upon to backup their own data is a User with no backup at all! Protect thy flocks from themselves; automate thy backups, so thou art assured they occur both regularly and often! But this applies to all important tasks; if it can be automated, then Thy Lord commandth that it shall be made so!!!
And so was written the Fourth Commandment: "Automate!"
And verily, the Technician that relied on the User to backup regularly discovered that he had built his house from sand; it had worn away to nothing at the first trouble. The Technician, so humbled before Our Lord, cast off his disreputable ways, and so renewed in his faith went out into the streets to repent, and to preach the ways of Our Lord as His newest Disciple.

This is the bible the techies abide by.  There's more...

The technicians had begun to disperse; the angry crowd had been quelled, and it seemed to all that the sermon was over. But to us, the remaining few, the Lord bade us draw near for a few more words of His Divine wisdom.
Brothers! He began, O Brothers! I know that I must speak of this, though it brings me no joy to do so.
We grew quiet as we listened, wary of what was to come.
I foresee great troubles ahead for you all. I see a time yet to come, when Management shall dictate a Great Reorganization, and all shall be flung into Chaos and Disarray.
There were mutterings amongst the assembly; some whispered that it could not happen, others that it was inevitable. The Lord paid them no mind, and continued.
You may not survive the Great Reorganization; indeed, you may be flung out into the streets! And all your good works shall be undone; and your users will be lost to the Great Darkness.
I cannot stop this. You cannot stop this. It will happen.
And we grew afraid.
My Brothers! Lift up your heavy hearts! You shall rise anew, in new positions; with new users! And it shall be a glory such as you have never imagined!
And we were glad, that He had promised that our troubles would be short-lived!
Or rather, ye shall exult in these, the promised glories, only if thy predecessor has followed this, the most important of all things: Document thy work, so that those who would follow in thine footsteps are well guided, even in thy absence; and so that thine ass is covered when Management is seeking out one to blame for their own unwise changes.
And so, we wrote the Fifth Holy Commandment: "Document!"
And there was much rejoicing.